Day 21 - Bladen Lakes to Waccamaw

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Total Mileage: 25.1

I haven't been completely honest here.  My posts are observational but not introspective.  But after today's challenge....

I haven't talked about the dark moments during this event, times when I feel like I'm in a deep hole I've dug myself. I haven't talked about the mornings when my body is tired from cramping legs all night, and the thought of putting on the backpack makes me want to pull the covers over my head and disappear.  I haven't talked about the raw skin, mashed toes, and back spasms.   None of this will stop me.  But ignoring the stress and self-doubt that goes along with the physical pain is not sustainable.

I woke up this morning late, and felt hurried and out of sorts when we started at the trailhead. The soft sand was challenging, and I was struggling in the humidity by the second mile.  Not paying attention, I slogged through an uneven sand patch. My knees buckled and I hit the ground sideways,  hard.  As I lay there awkwardly sprawled in the sand, unhurt, staring up at the gray sky, tears of frustration welled in my eyes.  My personal demons attacked without mercy, and the dam I had built over the last three weeks crumbled.  I can't do this for another nine days. It hurts too much, and every day it gets a little worse. I'm going to let everybody down. I'm letting myself down.  I have failed.

And then...

And then I pulled myself up from the sand, and looked down the trail.  One foot. One foot in front of the other.  Start to walk.

There wasn't any jolt of electricity or sudden revelation.  It was just movement,  in the right direction.  And that is really what it's all about, isn't it? It's you, putting one foot in front of the other. If you are someone challenged with autism, or a single parent with kids to get ready for school and the job that doesn't care, or walking across the state with a weight on your back, it's just one foot in front of the other. Good steps and bad steps mingling together as we noisily and chaotically tromp through life, moving forward.

Today I ran (and fell) through Bladen Lakes SF, around White Lake and then hit the trails at Waccamaw after a 30 minute drive.   It took almost seven hours but it's done, behind me, and the road ahead is full of promise. One step at a time.

Godspeed, 

R.

Comments

Unknown said…
You are amazing and so dead "on" with your analogies. The burden you've chosen is huge. Your efforts so appreciated.
Thank you!
xoxo
May 18, 2021 at 7:44 PM
Laura said…
Richard, thank you so much for this honest post. I read it out loud in the morning sun as my older brother and I were sitting on our back deck, him with his tea and me with my coffee. He just moved into our house yesterday, under the care of hospice...terminal lung cancer topped off with a side of chemo-induced heart failure. We have a tough road ahead for the next month or two, and hearing about your experience, and how you got yourself back up and are taking taking it one step at a time, was unbelievable timing for where we are together in his journey. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are helping more people than you could possibly know in more ways than you could possibly imagine. Keep going! ~ Laura Neff
May 19, 2021 at 9:33 AM
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